talking with your teen

Listening to your teen is really important, however, not always easy to do.  Teens are developing their opinions, values, beliefs, and independence, and at times, their thoughts and/or behaviors may not agree with those of their parents.  In addition, parents may find themselves short on time or sleep, or may be experiencing their own stress or emotional difficulties such as fear, depression, or anger and irritability, which can make it more difficult to listen to your teen in ways that they will “feel heard.”  This is why as a parent, it is so important to take care of yourself. 

What is listening? Listening is just “being there” with your teen, letting them speak without feeling the need in that moment to jump in, correct, or advise.  Allowing an adolescent to “feel heard” is a powerful parental strategy in and of itself. There are times for the important practices of correcting and advising, but it is important to make time for listening and hearing.  Your teen likely knows what you think about the matter already, and once they feel heard by you, they may very well choose (on their own) the path you would have advised.  

So how do we listen? Listening is harder than it looks, but with a little practice, you might be amazed at the results.  Asking neutral, non-judgmental questions can often be more helpful than making statements about what you think. For example,

“What was that like?”

“Tell me more about that.”

“What did you do then?”  

Another positive approach is to respond with statements that show you are listening to what your teen is saying, but again without giving an opinion or judgment.  This approach also gives opportunities for your youth to tell more of their story and concerns to you, and for them to correct or give additional information. For example,

“Sounds like that really upset you.”

“That sounds like it was frustrating.”  

“So when ____ (state back a short version of what they shared with you) happened, it sounds like that made you feel (insert their feeling)?”

Letting your teen express themselves while you listen will not only relieve some of their stress, but will also help them to start down the path of finding a solution.  Taking the time to just listen to your teen expresses that you care about them and how they are feeling.

See below for two videos from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention focused on listening to your teen.